Divorce

When a couple considers divorce there are a flurry concerns for themselves and their family.
These are some of the questions we strive to answer.

Considering Divorce

• How do I know if I should divorce?
• How might divorce impact my child’s wellbeing?
• Have I done all I can to save this marriage?
• What can couple’s therapy change?
  

The Divorce Announcement

• How do I explain the divorce to my family and friends?
• How do I explain what divorce is to my child?
• How do I explain why we are getting divorced to my child?
• What do I do if I feel blamed for the divorce?
• Do we tell the children about the divorce together?
• Who moves out?
  

The Transition

• What do I do if my child feels like they need to choose sides?
• How can I tell if my child is having a “normal” reaction to divorce?
• How do we develop a routine out of what feels like chaos now?
• What do I do when my child will not talk to me after their parenting time with my ex?
• What do I do when my child tells my ex everything I say/do?
• What do I do if my child threatens to go live with their other parent?
• What do I do if my ex won’t set limits or is too rigid in their expectations?
• Why is s/he acting like ‘parent of the year’ when I could not get him/her
  to do this when married?
• How do I handle my fears or empty time when I am separate from my child?
• What do I do about my child’s complaints about my ex or my ex’s parenting?
  

Building a new life

• When is it all right to date again, or to introduce someone to my children?
• How do I handle a new person in my ex’s life?
• What role/tasks should my new partner or my ex’s new partner have?
• How do we handle family events like graduations, birthdays, weddings, bar mitzvahs, etc?
• How do I handle step-parenting?
  

The answers to these and many other questions are tailored to the individual needs
of you and your family.

In general, kids need:

1. The divorce was not the child’s fault, even if arguments involved mistakes children made. Children can not make or break a marriage, only adults can.
2. To know that the parents are divorcing each other, and not divorcing their children.
3. The love between adults is different than the love between a parent and child. The latter is an always renewing resource. It can not run out no matter how much love is given to other people.
4. Do not let children know about court related disputes, or allow them to see court or financial paperwork.
5. Children are new to the idea of divorce, while the grown-ups, by the time they tell, have been planning and adjusting for the divorce for awhile.
6. While a divorce may bring some initial relief to adults, it initially brings increased stress children. Therefore, there are often temporary, initial mental health indicators in response to this crisis, such as acting out at home, disruptions at school, anxiety, and sadness. A supportive family, kids groups, or counseling are all important resources at this time.
7. Long term studies show that children of positive/neutral divorces do better than children in conflictual households.
8. A child’s need to attach to one parent/caregiver or another can change as they grow and might depend on their gender. It might also reflect a need to be protective or compassionate toward a parent.
9. Keep information for your child at the right developmental age level. Fill the children in on a “need to know” basis.
10. Remember children form their identity around both parents, no matter how much or little they see them. Keep you comments about/around their other parents positive, your children will take these words as comments about themselves.
11. Keep the question “What is in my Child’s best interests?” as the primary focus of your attention. It is easy to get distracted instead by emails from the spouse, new financial hardships, letters from attorneys, dropped homework, or late drop offs.
12. Consider learning about parenting evaluations, custody neutral evaluations, parenting coordinators, and divorce mediators. All can provide a variety of resources to work out differences.
13. Use PO Boxes, email or texting, if face to face discussions results in emotional outbursts or confused plans with your ex.

Use the divorce as an opportunity to teach.

Teach forgiveness. Teach organization.
Teach resourcefulness. Teach independence, and Teach your children resilience.